(And also my responses to them. Or at least, the responses I wish I was brave enough to give. 100% inspired by Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops.)
CUSTOMER: (Slurring heavily) S’bluebird with a feather in his cap!
ME: I … pardon?
CUSTOMER: With the feathers! (Gestures wildly at his head)
ME: Oh. Um. Yes?
CUSTOMER: (Walks away, shaking his head) Try to ask a bloody question …
CUSTOMER: Where’s the tourist information centre?
ME: It’s closed down, I’m afraid.
CUSTOMER: But … this is a tourist town. It’s on the beach.
ME: I know, but apparently tourists don’t need information anymore.
CUSTOMER: Do you sell books here?
CUSTOMER: My child has impetigo but it’s cool if he comes in and touches literally everything, right?
ME: Yeah, no problem, I’ll just burn the whole library down after work.
CUSTOMER: Can I have another hour on the computer?
ME: I’m sorry but other people are waiting to use them.
CUSTOMER: Oh, no problem, I’ll just log back in on my daughter’s card.
CUSTOMER: Some libraries do sell books.
ME: Not this one, I’m afraid.
CUSTOMER: You get some weird people in here, don’t you? Anyway, d’you want a lollipop?
ME: Um …
CUSTOMER: Oh don’t worry, it isn’t off the floor. I’ve got a bunch in my pocket.
ME: You have a bunch of lollipops in your pocket, to hand out to librarians? That isn’t weird at all.
CUSTOMER: (Some hideous attempt at flirting.)
CUSTOMER: But seriously, none of these books are for sale?
ME: I think the thing you’re looking for is a book shop.
COWORKER: Oh hey, there’s a lollipop on the desk!
ME: DON’T EAT THAT. It’s brimming with rohypnol. Probably.
Being a library assistant is neat as hell and plenty of our customers are lovely, but man. We do get some oddballs. I’m sure there are thousands more but this is all I can think of straight after work. Does anyone else work in a library? Are they all as crazy as this? Comfort me with your own stories, and also read Weird Things Customers Say In Bookshops, because it’s wonderful.